The Gentle Man concept came to me on a ropes course, where counselors to be were participating in an orientation activity at a summer overnight camp. Rather than encourage and support one of their own as he struggled with his fear of heights, they were sarcastic, and teased him in what they thought was a playful manner, but did nothing to help him through his fears. I realized that these 18, 19, and 20 year old young men were to be the role models for the younger boys (ages 7 – 16) that were to be in their charge in a few days. It struck me that these young men did not understand the awesome responsibility they were about to take on as the role models for these young impressionable boys. The model that they were displaying was not the one that I wanted to see, or hear when I was young. It made me question and wonder, how do we change this culture and mindset. Why is it that guys can’t be nice to each other without that homophobic fear that seems to override our interactions? How would things be different if these young men were encouraging and supporting their brother in a scary situation rather than making fun of him?
The idea came to me to separate the word gentleman into two words: Gentle Man. To me this represented the change I wanted to see, that being a Gentle Man is not just about being polite and opening doors for ladies and knowing which fork to use at the dinner table. It is about being compassionate, showing honest emotions, and being human. It is about being supportive to your brothers and friends; it is about helping guys feel good about themselves; instead of knocking them down. Why is berating acceptable behavior? Why can’t we train guys to be nice to each other? It sounds simple, but the problem of guys berating guys has become ubiquitous. At camp, this is the way it has been for years, and the boys think they are bonding. I’m all in favor of male bonding, but I would like to see that bonding happening in a different way.
I looked back at how I grew up so that I might understand this process better. For me, being accepted as a member of the boys cross country team in my junior year of high school was a turning point in becoming a Gentle Man. I may never understand why they wanted me, because I was not a star athlete, but I think they could see that I was a nice guy and that is why they asked me to be on the team. Despite being the last runner (and often the last one on the course), I was cheered at the finish line as if I was a front-runner. I felt like a million bucks, because I had a group of guys who believed in me. Every boy wants to belong and fit in with “the guys,” and I am very proud to be able to say these same guys are my close friends over 40 years later.
My quest is to make it more attractive for guys to show their compassionate side freely and openly. Ultimately, can we help boys/young men be more encouraging and supportive of each other? so that maybe, we can reduce fights, we can reduce hurt feelings, and we can have guys feel good about themselves and feel like they fit in. That is the goal behind my work, and my quest to encourage and empower the Gentle Man.